Unexpected Feelings

As of lately life has been what it is, literally. That’s it and that’s all. I announced that I am pregnant on Sunday, January 24, 2021 on my socials and everything seemed to go downhill the week after that. It wasn’t something that I was expecting at all because I was genuinely excited, but I guess something deep down knows that I’m really, truly, honestly not ready for this new chapter. I know that we can’t control everything in life and other times we have to really keep that fight in us because we know that whatever is bothering us in that moment won’t always be a problem for us. But what happens when no matter how you try you realize that you’re seriously just too tired to fight?

I originally found out I was pregnant on Wednesday, December 30, 2020 and the excitement in and outside of me could not be contained. I only told two people until the day I announced it on socials. I can’t really tell you why I was so excited because I expect that if not all, most moms would be excited when finding out they’re pregnant. However, whatever that reason was it died off fast because the next thing I know I was spending January and February saying and feeling like fuck everything. If you follow me on Instagram, then you may have noticed how I’ve been inching my way back into some type of groove. I still feel like I’m basically dragging myself along each day, but I knew I needed to talk about this before I got back into anything. 

The one thing that is getting on my nerves the most is people asking me what I’m having or if I know. I keep saying that I don’t know, but I do. I’ve known since I was 10 weeks, I just don’t want to share. I’m not even happy so why do I want to share that kind of information with anyone? I already have two children. Two very beautiful, intelligent, tall, energetic little girls and when I look at them, I see exactly why I’m not ready for anymore children. I went from house hopping – my parents and my husbands parents homes to be exact – with limited help to living on my own with no help at all. I just want to throw in here that I had limited help because I don’t trust everyone with my kids and that won’t change so it’s something I’ve learned to deal with, but not everyone has learned or grown to accept. The last five years I haven’t had a legit moment to myself that didn’t end with some crying or a child needing my help – whether I stayed in or went out. I stopped trying to force a relationship with my husband’s family and I think about what my husband and I are currently dealing with (with others) and having to bring another child into that when people already can’t respect “NO” or anything else that doesn’t grant them their way. Not to mention I am always sick and it’s so bad that sometimes I spit up blood because I throw up that much. 

I often find myself repeating the words, “I just can’t win” because they are the only words that describe exactly how I feel these days. I’ve told so many people that my children can’t come to their house under any circumstances, and some of them feel it’s not disrespectful to go around me and (try to) persuade my husband to go against me. I wanted to live close to my mom because I’m going to need her help, but it’s not looking like we’ll be able to find a place near her. I try my hardest to eat three times a day, but I can barely drink water without feeling queasy and I’m over anybody that acts like me being a stay-at-home mom nullifies my right to an opinion or wants. I’ve spent these last few years being trashed by people who said they loved me. Those same people still don’t see anything wrong in what they’ve done yet see wrong in me not granting them a relationship with my children. I’m trying to be my husband’s backbone when right now I just can’t deal with anybody’s shit let alone my own. And, of course, as a wife I feel horrible for feeling like that so I’m always listening I’m just not inserting myself in anything. Unlike myself my husband hasn’t seemed to grasp the fact that some people won’t ever change, but I know he’ll get there. I’m preparing myself for one child starting school, breaking the other out of habits that are starting to affect me and waiting for another to be born. Not to mention that in the meantime and in between time we still have to find a place. 

I know part of what’s wrong with me and I’ve been trying to shake it for years now. I’ve talked about my depression in previous post if you were curious or didn’t know what I was talking about. But truthfully, I feel like a lot of this has to do with the knowing of my heart. I couldn’t live with myself if I chose to not give this life (child) a chance so soon enough, I’ll have more than two children. I know I’m not ready mentally but I’m here now. I always feel like I’m fighting for something and although I am tired I keep finding ways to fight my way through. Fighting for respect, for real love, for real friendship, for a legit day to myself, for simple things money cannot buy. I’ve got a lot on my plate and most days I ask myself if I’ll be okay because my village isn’t huge at all. But I plan to stick close to the few I know really love and care about me and mine and hope and pray that I can shake all the doubts and negativity that I feel before my due date. 

For as long as I can remember people have always made it seem as though having sex automatically means that you know you’ll end up pregnant so that’s what you get. I HATE THAT CONCEPT because women should have a choice in their feelings because we’re the ones who have to bring these lives into the world. There are so many women who KNOW THAT THEY ARE NOT READY TO BE MOTHERS – or don’t ever want to be – and instead of people respecting that they talk about them and make them feel bad. Pregnancy itself can take a toll on your body and your mind so imagine not having support, not having your own place, trying to leave a relationship and that’s only some of what I can think of. Abortion is an option for many of us and others it isn’t. It wasn’t an option for me simply because I know that I couldn’t live with myself if I did it. But I’m also choosing to go through with something that I know is going to put that much more of a strain on my mental. Who’s going to be here to help me get through it though? It’s reality like this that no one thinks about BEFORE THEY JUDGE A WOMAN FOR NOT WANTING TO HAVE A/ANOTHER BABY.