Where Do I Go From Here?

When it doesn’t hurt anymore and nothing surprises me and I find myself keeping my composure, what do I do? It’s easy to fight back and go lower when they go low. It feels better to let things be what they are even though I secretly wish things were different. But that pain and frustration has started settling itself. It’s almost like I’m healing even though I’m still hurting. 

I’m in this chaotic space where “it’s fine” meets “there’s no fuckin way this is happening”. The voices in my head continue their daily chatter while I hear them, but don’t actually listen. For the first time ever might I add. It’s not hard nor is it easy and I can’t tell you when I got here or how. But I can tell you that this feels like I can stop exhausting so much of my energy finally. To you that probably sounds like the final straw and I’m letting go of those who I’ve been wanting to break free from. That’s not it though because even if I did break free from them, my heart and my mind wouldn’t be at peace because nothing was solved while we had each other. Or should I say while they had me?

I’ve always secretly looked for this validation from certain people in my life and it’s finally registering to me that these same people seek the same from others. I never paid attention to that until now. I want to say that they had me fooled all this time, but we all know that’s not the truth. What is, is that I put too much emphasize on them and never allowed myself to see the true beings that have always stood in front of me. I led myself on, fed myself the lies that they’d change someday, and things would be different. Only to come to the conclusion that they don’t even know who they are. They don’t fully love themselves or give themselves the permissions they deserve or even set boundaries. Yet, they’ve always so freely given me the advice of all of which they don’t do and judged me when they have no room. I gave it to them though and I want it back now.

My feelings have become short and my words even shorter. I find myself reaching out but only enough to stay on the safe side. I want to let it be known that I care but not the way that I used to. If you can’t tell I’m already confused in what I’m feeling because I seriously don’t know how I’m keeping my composure. I’m afraid that I’ll blowup one of these days but deep down I don’t think it’s coming. I feel like I’m actually tired of the same ole things which I can feel now that I’ve stopped saying it. Yes, I want to heal, and I want to have peace and know what true happiness feels like. Even still I know that I can’t get that from anyone who can’t give it to themselves. Just like love, if someone doesn’t love themselves they can’t actually love you. Especially not how you deserve to be loved. I know that every single time I reach out and ask how someone is doing, or I try to have a conversation about how I truly feel, or even when I send that paragraph that I’m bound to be met with something that won’t sit right with me. I still can’t find the urge to fight back because I don’t feel like I’m fighting for anything anymore. I’m simply drained of the “what if’s” and the reality behind it.

I think I’m by myself on this one, but I feel like doing the same thing(s) over and over again doesn’t mean you’ll always have the same results. I’ll try to help you see this from my point of view. We “waste our time” saying and doing these same things hoping that it’ll change a person or the situation, right? We keep doing it only to get the same results, but it’s because they’re the same person. There’s no growth there so how the hell can you get through to them? They say consistency is key but will tell you to stop wasting your time in the same breath. So, which is it? I believe that if a person can change your efforts won’t be lost, but as long as they remain who they are, only then will you get the same results. 

Lately, the hardest thing for me has been going to sleep before 4AM. I want to scream, cry, yell, break things and express every single thing on my heart to every single person I need to. But I also want to heal and be at peace and I can’t do that by trying to fix old wounds that I know will create new ones in the process. Finally being able to see these people for who they are and not who I want them to be, has helped me in my current stage. It has raised my awareness and shown me why sometimes it’s necessary to keep what I’m feeling to myself. If a person isn’t ready to change, nothing that I say or do will make any difference and it’s time that I accept that. I’m done “trying to get them to see…” whatever it is that I want them to see. That’s a major change and it’s also a necessary change for me.

If you’ve never been in a state of mind where nothing matters but it does, I don’t expect you to understand this post. However, I want to leave you with something so that you don’t reach this point. PUT YOURSELF FIRST, SERIOUSLY. People give that piece of advice so freely as if it’s an option and it’s really not. I feel responsible for those around me and that’s because I don’t put me first. I trapped myself by feeling like I had to be better to others than they ever have been to me. I’ve been pouring from a bottomless cup that I still haven’t drank from. That’s not healthy. Whatever putting you first looks like – going to the gym, journaling, getting a break from your children, phoning a friend, not cooking for a day or two out of the week, incorporating naps, etc. – DO IT BEFORE YOU END UP WHERE I AM. Don’t let resentment nuzzle against your heart because if it attaches itself, the healing becomes that much harder.